Photo by Sylvia Kniss
Breathing Easy
by: Lexie Kauffman
“One uranium fuel pellet creates as much energy as one ton of coal.” -Nuclear Energy Institute
PAST:
“What’s gotten into you, Terra? You’re being so ungrateful right now.”
Cole’s dark, unforgiving eyes burned into yours and his grip tightened on your wrist.
The cold wind outside the restaurant attacked your tear-stained cheeks. Your body shook like a leaf. He didn’t let you grab your coat before he pulled you away from the table.
He gritted his teeth. “I took you out to dinner and you just humiliate me.” He let go of your wrist, reaching up to scrub his face.
“I’m sorry, Cole,” you whispered. Your chest felt tight, like you couldn’t inhale fully.
“I’ve told all of my friends about my beautiful Terra, and you show up looking like that?” He gestured widely at you. “You disgust me.” He contorted his face into something ugly, something not-human, as he glared.
You looked down at the dress you sewed a few years ago. It was a favorite of yours with different pieces of upcycled fabric patched together, yellows blending into greens blending into blues. You knew that it was not the highest piece of fashion ever, but Cole didn’t like it when you spent your money on new clothes. The dress may have had imperfections—like when he caught it in the closet door or ripped a sleeve because he was mad—but it was all you had to wear that night.
“I’m sorry,” you said. You didn’t tell him that he made you this way. That he snuffed out the sun and coated your life in soot.
He scoffed. “I can’t with you right now.” With that, he stormed away towards his parked truck, leaving only a cloud of anger behind.
Your chest burned; rivers of tears flowed down your face. Your eyes were bloodshot, your dark bags hung low in the streetlight. Despite the cold, you felt unnaturally warm. Your veins burned with the exhaustion that came with being with Cole. You were a mess.
PRESENT:
It’s been a few years, and you can smile again. The bruises on your wrists are long gone, but his presence still lingers like a dark cloud. You know you don’t need a man to be powerful, but you can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have a man that puts you first. One that worries about your well-being instead of harming it.
But Cole is a disease. He engrained himself in your very being and some days, you wake up afraid. You wonder when the fear will leave you alone, count to three, and try to go about your day.
It’s a Saturday in late spring and the weather is finally kind enough to allow farmer’s markets. You walk the short distance, breathing in the crisp scent of petals peeking through their buds and rabbits chomping on the new leaves that have sprouted from the bushes. As you pass an open-air café, a heavy feeling settles in your stomach. The air has turned sour, musky, dirty. You stumble on the uneven sidewalk. It’s him. It must be. You scramble for the pepper spray you know is in your purse.
“Hey, watch where you’re going,” a man says, glaring at you.
You pause, fingers finally around your pepper spray. The man you’ve nearly run into is leaning against a building with a cigar between his fingers. Cole isn’t here.
But Cole is always there. Sometimes you can walk down the street with a smile on your face. Sometimes you inhale and you can exhale easily. But other times, the breath gets stuck in your throat, choking you as it tries to claw out.
FUTURE:
Someday you will find a man that empowers you instead of weighing you down. He will fit easily into your life and take you on new adventures. Uriah will open a whole new world for you. You’ll never have felt like this before.
He’ll ask you about Cole and he will hold you through the panic attacks. On the days that you cannot breathe, he will be patient. He will hold fast through the dark cloud that gets lighter every day. Your pain will seep into the ground, ready to be renewed like water in a cycle. Uriah will open a new world of possibilities, energy, and love.
He will say, “Terra, you deserve to feel loved.”
He will croon, “Terra, you are beautiful.”
He will hold you and whisper, “Terra, you are powerful.”
Eventually, you will find that dress in the back of your closet and he will love it. Uriah will twirl you through the streets of the city and show all of his friends how amazing you are. You will follow those dreams, walk to that farmer’s market, and breathe the air without reminders of Cole. Uriah will keep your life pure and vibrant.